A Weakness...

I love how my last blog post was almost two weeks ago - a piece of evidence that will demonstrate the dreaded attacks of procrastination I often experience (of course, that statement pointedly shoves away any hint of responsibility I should, and do, feel about procrastinating). Now, I could probably fill an entire post with ramblings about procrastination, and the title may have lured you into believing that this was the weakness that I wished to address, but I would prefer to delve into something a little deeper (some of you may already know this about me, and if so, you should probably stop reading after the first sentence of my third paragraph; otherwise, I may bore you to death)...


I'm sure most of my readers will recall the unforgettable (and, at times, horrifying?) conversation that took place some time ago...one that directly related to the marked strengths and weaknesses of several of our friends. When the time came for me to reveal what I viewed as my biggest flaw, I said something about how I don't know what I want and I am indecisive (or, at least that is how I remember it). Whether caught up in the moment, or just unable to say something insightful on the spot (as is usually the case), I think I inaccurately portrayed myself to everyone and spewed out a series of LIES (which may not actually have been in contradiction with the ten commandments, according to what my beloved professor of Speculative Mind said roughly ten minutes ago--I guess...lying is not a sin?). While it is true that I am indecisive about small issues that come up in everyday life, I certainly know what I ultimately want in life (but that is another post for another day).

On that note, I see my biggest weakness as being twofold: I set incredibly high expectations for people that I truly care about, which leads me to be quite judgmental at times. I don't know where this standard is rooted in my life, but I have noticed this about myself ever since late high school. When I begin to grow really close with a person, I begin to force my own standards for living onto them, and I get hurt very easily when I see that they are not living up to them. I acknowledge that this is both ridiculous and unfair. I mean, if a friend is not even aware of these expectations that I have of him, how can I possibly feel justified in being upset when he does not follow through? I have asked myself this question too often lately, but it does not seem to help in righting my wrong.

I think this abitrary expectation-setting that I frequently practice stems from a genuine desire for others to be happy, and satisfied with the choices that they make (I wouldn't be surprised if that sounded like I was trying to make myself sound like less of a judgmental madwoman...perhaps the only way to understand why I think this way is to try to defend these beliefs, and see where it takes me...). It is probably no great shock to anyone that I have a set of unbelievably rigid standards and expectations of myself that have been present in my mind since I was very young. Again, I'm not sure why I developed them or by what standards they were outlined, but I can not remember a time when they were not there (I am quite confident that it has a lot to do with how I was raised and the refreshingly uncompromising nature of both of my parents). I desire, maybe even need, to do well in all areas of life. Granted, I come very far from achieving my highest expectations, but I still feel myself being driven by them down various paths.

Being firmly decided in what I believe and having a strong set of standards, it is almost as if I see these guidelines as the keys to my ultimate satisfaction with God and life. I desire, above all else, to live a life that is pleasing and acceptable to my Creator, and this has had a significant impact on the standards I have set for myself. While I am aware that my guidelines are merely my own interpretations of what I see as pleasing to God, I still force these expectations onto others. Perhaps, it boils down to the fact that I think that I, alone, have developed this set of standards, which is incredibly arrogant and WRONG (and that is probaby why I choose to believe that those are not my reasons for imposing my expectations onto others). Am I allowed to leave it up to the unknown? That would be an easy way out of the dilemma, and it is what I may end up doing in the end, simply because I seem to be unable to figure myself out.

Consequently, when friends share choices with me that I think would have been poor decisions for myself to have made, I make a less than mediocre effort to encourage them to believe that everything is "ok." This doesn't mean that I would ever scowl and make a friend feel like a complete failure for making a mistake. On the contrary, I usually do whatever I can to empathize and assure the other person how the world is not going to end as a result of this choice, and people will heal, etc. Rather than stopping there, though, as I think many would, I do not neglect to communicate (to those with whom I am completely comfortable) how to maybe avoid a similar situation in the future. I think part of my reaction comes from my strong desire for my friends to hold me accountable and call me out when they see things in my life that aren't as they should be. I guess I just assume that this is the kind of advice that others are also seeking, and maybe this is where I make my mistake.

Wow, I don't really think I said much of anything that made logical sense in the last few paragraphs...I think I was just working out a lot of the confusion that I continually experience over this issue through writing (and that's exactly how it came across). I guess I still haven't figured out why I hold people that are close to me up to such high expectations, and I will be sure to offer another post with anything new if I miraculously get to know myself overnight (or maybe I should just rely on the insightful nature of some friends, who could undoubtedly tell me why I think the way I do, and what that says about my personality). Or, I could just blame it on being an ISFJ: "ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain." Hmm...

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As a sidenote, I am quite proud of myself for talking about such a "personal" issue for my first post. It will probably be the last time that this EVER happens (jkLOL)! I've been learning, more over the past year than ever before, that it is good to be open with people sometimes, so perhaps this blog will be my feeble attempt to break the silence that has permeated my interactions with people for so long (hence the "Sounds of Silence").